Hollywood for Ugly People

In which a seasoned casting director puts out a breakdown for...

[My friend Sam took a look at this and begged me to end it with a “piece o’wisdom” that would make him feel better. I wish I had some; this is just what came out in a rush of, I dunno, rage? Inspiration? Anyway, here it is, with apologies to anyone else who doesn’t like when I go dark. It got me laughing writing it…]

Well, we’re all looking forward to the elections in 2026; at least the Democrats are, figuring we should be able to take back a few seats in Congress. And then there’s 2028, the next Presidential election. Wow, we Dems need to get cracking.

And the question is, where are the good candidates? You know, the ones with that ineffable thing called “charisma” and good hair (it’s all about the hair, don’tcha know?).

There’s an old saying that politics is show business for ugly people. But what if we could convince some of those glamorous show biz types to run for office? Hell, it’s been done before—Reagan, Arnold, and now our Beloved Leader, who was peripherally in it as host of “The Apprentice.” He fooled a lot of people into believing he knew what he was doing.

Think about it. What’s so much greater about working in show biz than working in politics?

1. You get to live in L.A., y’know, places like Pacific Palisades and Malibu. Oh, wait…

2. You get to make quality art, things like “Avengers 14” and “Bobba Lou goes Skiing;”

3. You get to hang with really smart people. Or at least, people who got into good colleges with their parents’ connections and then parlayed them into Hollywood gigs;

4. You get paid really well…unless you’re one of the people who actually helps to get movies and TV made.

We need to reach out to the vast talent pool that Hollywood provides and push the upside of heading to Washington D.C. I mean, work opportunities in L.A. have shrunk by close to 50%, after the quadruple whammies of Covid, the two strikes, and now those horrific fires. People are looking for steady work, and the Democratic Party can provide.

As an experienced casting director, I am confident that I can cast the next President of the U.S. and make sure he’s a Democrat.

This can go out to Breakdown Services as soon as I get someone in charge to sign off:

THE PRESIDENT: 35-55, or at least be able to play no older than 55; a charismatic leader of a once-great nation; any gender, any ethnicity (though we know the American electorate goes for old white dudes, we’re going to stay open on this one); must have great hair, good speaking chops, some sense of humor; preferably no history of scandals, though that hasn’t seemed to hurt the Republicans; good hands for shaking with the public a must; must be well-versed in street fighting and verbal self-defense; must have prolific supply of formal wear (blue, preferably); musical or dance skills a plus; must be willing to relocate; must have great hair (did I mention that?).

It’s a first draft; they’ll revise it before it goes out.

My strategy is to focus my search on several different talent pools:

1. WWE…big men, big women, lots of testosterone, LOTS of hair. Hair being, well, the most important thing these days in a Prez. And they’re already trained in trash-talk, a big plus going into the primaries;

2. Reality shows—look at the contestants on SURVIVOR. Boy, are they shredded or what? If they can eat bugs to survive, I’m pretty sure they can handle lunch with lobbyists and Congressmen without throwing up;

3. Movie Stars—this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just that the Republicans have been tapping this source more successfully than we Democrats. There’s Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but also Blake Lively, who apparently can manhandle any troublemakers on her set; Ryan Reynolds (oh, wait, he’s Canadian, forget it); Nic Cage, who apparently will take any job that pays him well enough. (There’s Homer Simpson, but I’m not sure if cartoon characters are considered American citizens.) Sean Penn is probably too invested in actually trying to help people, so he’d probably wave us off with a flick of his middle finger. It’s too bad we didn’t try this ten years ago, when we could have gotten Redford or de Niro, cause they’ve probably aged out of the right range for this. Though de Niro still seems to have the rage part down pretty well; he’d probably take some Congressmen out for a little ride into the Jersey swamps if they didn’t cooperate;

4. How about all the studio executives we haven’t really thought much about? They’re very, very rich, and they are extremely well groomed—their weekdays are filled with massages, mud-wraps, private trainers, and they sure know how to work the room. You gotta admit they are smart, cause they’ve figured out how to pay less money to the people who MAKE films and TV, and then pay themselves MORE in salaries and bonuses for the same content that those filmmakers created for them. They mostly work well together, have good marketing strategies, and of course always seem to land on their feet no matter who their opponent is. Bob Iger, stand up and take a bow!

5. There’s of course the Teamsters, a union I’m familiar with, since I’m a member of it. Gotta admit, they know how to go whichever way the wind blows, as long as they get something out of it. I mean, our union leader spoke at the Republican convention in 2024, then refused to endorse either candidate. Does that sound like a person who knows how to screw over Congress, or am I the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa? They’re great at equivocation, straddling both sides of an issue; plus they’ve got the muscle to back up their threats. As a matter of fact, if we could cast BOTH de Niro and the Teamsters, we’d kinda have the perfect candidate, right?

I could go on, but I think I’ve provided a pretty good boilerplate for the next election cycle. It’s not enough to be smart, or vastly experienced, or even good at your job—look what Joe Biden accomplished in four years, and they dumped him anyway.

No, what we need is someone who knows how to play hardball; I mean, if Al Capone in THE UNTOUCHABLES (de Niro, again! See what I mean?) can threaten his capos with a baseball bat, then our candidate must be able to scare the American electorate into voting for him.

But I fear that our current Beloved Leader has already absconded with the playbook. He’s figured out ways to terrify not only the American people, but an entire branch of government (maybe two, if you count the Supreme Court, which, yeah, we should).

We’re just going to have to up the ante somehow. Hmmm…

Wait, I’ve got it! Taylor Swift! Charisma, money, plus muscle plus control of the media! And hair! Great hair! With Travis by her side, she’ll have the entire front line of the Chiefs whenever she wants to blitz Congress. Who needs brass knuckles when you’ve got all those Super Bowl rings? And as they already have the refs on their side, the Supreme Court should be pushovers in comparison.

Taylor Swift for President in ’28!