Republicans? We-Rich-Agins!

Robin Hood? or Robbin' the Hood?

Every so often—like whenever I watch the nightly news—I get a hankering for running for political office. Maybe Congress. I also get an urge to run for the next plane outa here, but for now, I’ll stick with running for Congress.

And that’s when I get to “speechifying.” I’d love to get into a big room with all those people who voted for “Big Orange” last November.

Now, I know I’d get into trouble. Not that I have any skeletons in my closet, just that I’m usually too blunt, in my Brooklyn-born way, for most people. Like that time, sitting at a dinner party in Los Angeles years ago, when a group of middle-aged women were sitting around singing the praises of Botox. One of them, though, complained that “If you don’t keep using it, these things!…these things start appearing on your forehead!” And I, not bothering to take a beat, threw in, “You mean, expressions?”

Well, enough levity. Let’s get to my campaign speech:

Hello, out there! Way to go, Republicans! Lovin’ the US or A! Right? How’s it goin’ with your choice of the Big Kahuna? Guess you’re all happy now that the Biden crime family is back in…Delaware? They sure were a dangerous bunch, with that Inflation Reduction Act, going around fixing bridges and roads, cleaning up the environment, pushing up the stock market. Some of that, okay, may have given some of you jobs, but what’s with the price of eggs??? Good thing we have the old Donald to bring those prices down, right? I mean, they have come down, haven’t they? No? Don’t worry, soon. Soon.

Now, you Republicans out there? I’ve got a few questions for you. First of all, where’s your gold Mercedes? Where’s your McMansion on the hill? C’mon! I know you got one or two of them out there, right? Maybe a private jet?

Cause I don’t see any sign of Robin Hood around, y’know, the guy who stole from the rich to give to the poor. Errol Flynn, good movie, check it out some time. No, folks, what I see is more like “Robbin the Hood!” And you gotta be one of those rich guys, yeah, if you voted Republican. Cause they’re the guys who are funding tax cuts for the wealthy by cutting working class jobs in the government, cutting free lunches from public schools, cutting funding for cancer research, and taking away services for veterans. So don’t go foolin’ me, all you guys out there tonight, you’re all zillionaires, right? Don’t be shy about that gold toilet, let’s see photos of your yachts! Cause you gotta have that if you voted Republican! Otherwise, I might have to conclude that you’re…well, kinda stupid. Even, say, “retarded.” Oh wow, politically incorrect, I meant to say “learning disabled.”

For you others out there, those who aren’t super rich…I just want to speak for our President a moment:

You’ve got tornado damage? Sorry, FEMA’s been cut.

Your house just flooded from a storm? Hey, get out your hair dryers!

You’re a veteran who wants his benefits? No way, Josê!

Your kid doesn’t have money for lunch? Hey hey, the kid could lose a few pounds anyway.

You’re old and you’re getting your Social Security benefits cut? Go get a job (just not with the government, we’re letting people go).

You want to continue your cancer research? Tough noogies, lady, I hear bleach is a pretty good all-purpose cure.

Now, look. I get it. We Democrats have done a lousy messaging job. You were worried about the price of eggs, and we ignored that. We should have told you that inflation was world-wide, that we got off easy compared to the rest of the developed world in that respect, with the economic effects of COVID and the war in Ukraine. And because some of you out there don’t always pay attention, we should have repeated it, like, a lot!

INFLATION WAS WORLD-WIDE. We didn’t talk about that. At all. Our bad.

I get that some of you voted Republican because you thought Democrats were only the party for Blacks, Latinos, immigrants and LGBTQ, and well, you’re a white heterosexual guy living in Nebraska or Ohio or even New York. I get it. Maybe we Democrats pushed on those agendas a bit too hard, maybe we forgot to mention that our party has a big umbrella.

So maybe you felt left out by the Democratic Party.

But if you think you felt left out by us, just wait! Cause all that money that’s being cut from the federal budget? It’s coming out of the pockets of regular Joes, the working class people, not just in the blue states but even more in those red states. And it’s going into the coffers of rich guys like Elon Mush and Jeff Be-Gross. (Yep, I’m stealing from the trump playbook of name-changing)

So, C’mon. I know you ain’t stupid, I know you ain’t retarded. You must be one of them ‘We-Rich-Agains’ if you voted for the Donald. So please, show me your gold Mercedes. I promise not to steal it.

There you go, that’s my campaign speech. I know, pretty raucous. Or righteous. I’ve pissed off a lot of people over the years, so I’m ready if some of you are pissed off by this. Go ahead, exile me. I’m already writing on a Substack post titled, “Notes from the Borderland,” which is where they send all us exiles. It’s okay out here. The air is clear, it’s a nice day for a walk. I’m surviving…if I can just make it to the next election.